Fire Rain [Incomplete]

[cain]

[/i]|:.[/b][/size][/color]

[li]Picture Reference:

[/li][li]Character Name:: Fire Rain

[/li][li]Class: Edge Punisher

[/li][li]Characters apparent Age:20

[/li][li]Characters Gender: Male

[/li][li]Characters Hair Color: Silver

[/li][li]Characters Eye Color: Blue

[/li][li]Character Height: 6 foot 5 inches

[/li][li]character Weight: 198 lbs

[/li][li]character Clothing Style: As the picture shows, he wears armor and a cape.

[/li][li]Character Physical Traits: His hair is long and down to his mid back. There is a scar across his cheek and another above his right eye.

[/li][li]Characters Personality: He is rather distant from others and doesn't want to be around parties as much due to what happened when he came back. This leads to being difficult to make friends with him due to him just wanting to be alone most of the time.

[/li][li]Fighting Style: Fire Rain tends to use a defense then offense fighting style. Meaning that he tends to let his defense take the blows or parries, then he attacks back.

[/li][li]Strengths: His strength is pretty good and his defense is also good, meaning he can take more hits. He also doesn't tire as quickly due to being use to his sword.

[/li][li]Weaknesses: The armor he wears prevents from any real quick dodges and slows him down. The sword is also heavy, meaning he's slower to attack. His magical defense is poor, meaning he's able to be taken down quicker with magic than physical attacks.

.Art/Spell Information|:.

[/li][li]Arts: Tiger Blitz

[/li][li]Spells:

.Weapon Information|:.

[/li][li]Weapon Name: Dark Flame

[/li][li]Weapon Type: Hold and release

[/li][li]Weapon Appearance: same sword in picture, just the blade is black.

[/li][li]Weapon Abilities: The sword is surrounded by a blue when out which burns when cut.

.Character Background Information|:.

[/li][li]Friends: none yet, he's hard to become friends with.

[/li][li]Enemies: the PKers from his high school.

[/li][li]History: Though he didn't want to play The World again, one of his friends forced him to play it again to get over the past. His first day in the game, he came upon a couple PKers who, after leading him around, attacked. Their mistake was taking him to a higher level area which leveled him up enough to take out on of the pair. Unfortunately, he was badly injured and with a final blow, he had killed the other PKer but died as well in the process, losing all that exp that he gained. After that incident, he decided that even though he'd not get into too many parties, that he'd try to play The World more.

.Offline Information|:.

[/li][li]Picture Reference: <optional>

[/li][li]Player Name: Cain Seniral

[/li][li]Occupation: College Student

[/li][li]Age: 19

[/li][li]Gender: Male

[/li][li]Hair Color: Black

[/li][li]Eye Color: Blue

[/li][li]Height: 6 foot 3 inches

[/li][li]Weight: 189 lbs

[/li][li]Clothing Style: Cain is usually seen in clothing that fits his mood. Happy and other bright moods is when he wears brighter colors, while as being sad or angry along with the more darker moods, he'll wear dark clothes.

[/li][li]Physical Traits: Cain's hair is normally left to hang down to his shoulders, else its tied back.

[/li][li]Personality: Tending to keep to himself, Cain has gotten use to not being around other people. He is usually difficult to be around due to being normally quiet and not all that social. He's usually hard to tell what mood he is in unless a person looks at his clothing. He normally is in a slightly down/blank mood and that's reflected upon his dark clothing.

.Biographical Information|:.

[/li][li]Parents: Died when he was young.

[/li][li]Siblings: Only child

[/li][li]Relatives: Scattered around.

[/li][li]History: Cain was born into a upper middle class family as a only child. He was a happy child and got to do other things that other children couldn't because he would always listen to the adults and because of that, he could play The World. He even convinced his parents to join him in their free time and would play as a family. But one day in a bizarre dungeon they went to, a giant monster attacked them. For some reason, their attacks weren't affective and it took a swing at Cain. In an attempt to help save him, his parents jumped in the way to stop him from getting hit. They were killed instantly and then the monster just vanished. When he logged out of The World, he found his parents in a coma and were rushed to a hospital. A week afterward, a fire burned down the hospital and his parents were too far into it to be saved. After that, he continued to blame himself for their deaths and wouldn't forgive himself.

.Role Playing Information|:.

[/li][li]Sample RP
Fire Rain didn't know anymore why he still signed onto the game. All it seemed about was "PK this, PK that", and help the noobies get into the game and prevent PKing. He just found it all so dull and the past didn't help any.

It's still my fault for what happened. If I never suggested that place...they'd still be alive. Would have been better if I never convinced them in the first place.

At that moment, a new play came up to him and asked him for help of the game. Fire Rain avoided the player and just walked through the crowd to the Chaos Gate and teleported to a random area to get away from people.
[/li][/ul]

[Cyber Connect Corporation]

Ok, here goes.

Clothing Style: I'd like a bit more here. I know that you have a picture reference but I would still prefer to have a written description. If your saying its exactly like in the picture than it should be simple enough to describe, and if if there any differences then state them as well. This is to help others get a feel for the way your character looks in a descriptive sense as some people have a hard time going from image to text. This doesn't need to be a huge essay or anything ridiculous like that but a few extra sentences would be nice to get a general feeling.

Physical traits. What you have if fine for his face and hair, but what about the rest of him? his build, his complexion, his physique. your character is more than his hair and face. Take this opportunity to flesh out his appearance and add little details to his body.

Personality: Ok, so he's a loner and distant. Is there anything else? Most people are more than a single dimension. Is he happy to be alone? Sad? is he distant because of fear or arrogance? Also, what is he like to other people. is he dismissive or hostile towards them? If he wants to be alone how does he manifest that. And he must have a least a few friends (or he wouldn't be playing the game again) so how does he treat/react to them.

Fighting Style: This is kinda vague. Id like more on his fighting style. He he a counter-attack kind of guy or an all out offensive. is he passive or aggressive. Those kinda things. Does he prefer any areas of attack (multiple body shots/one-hit kill/limbs/head) over others? What would happen if he was attacked from range or dealing with heavily armored foes, would it change his tactics from close range fighters or light armor mages? The more info you can give the better, this is what the other players and RP mods will expect from you so depth=good.

Streangths VS Weaknesses: These are balanced as long as a little clarification is given. Could you give a value for each of his strengths and weaknesses? It's just easier to mod that way. Something like percentages, numbers out of ten or even the classic
"Extremely bad->Very bad->bad->average->good->very good->Extremely Good"
This will let us mods tell weather his strengths and weaknesses balance properly.
In principle you have Strength, Defense, Endurance versus attack speed, movement speed, reflexes, magic defense which is perfectly ok in my opinion. Though I would like to see the removal of his armor as the reason for his weaknesses. Character strengths and weaknesses should be based on the characters stats not their gear, sounds weird i know but trust me it matters. Other than that it should be fine here.

Weapon: Appearance: Same as character's stuff just a little more fleshed out. basically if its the exact same one as in the pic just describe it to us.

Ability: I think you missed a word here, a blue what? I'll assume flame cause you mention burning later. I'd like to know what this burning does? does it just induce extra fire damage on top of the weapons base damage? perhaps it causes a DoT effect as the wound burns, or even lowers stats as it burns at armor/ distracts the victim. The in-game effect of the ability is what we need, keep in mind this is a 0 post ability and therefore shouldn't be exceptionally strong.

Ok, so character history: this, from my standpoint doesn't make a whole lot of practical sense. PK'ers wouldn't let their target get high enough to take them on, unless he was exceptionally skilled in the game and was better than he appeared to them. Most Pk'ers would rather kill you as soon as you started to look like a threat. That's my big beef with this part. Also, could you name the friend that made him start playing again in the friends section, just so that history wise its there and can be used as reference later.

Player character:

Clothing style: This is good id just like a general idea of the types of cloths (jeans, sweats, suits, T-shirts, tanks tops, button ups) that sort of thing, nothing major

Physical traits: same as above. Give me a whole body description. Scrawny, lanky, buff, toned, disproportionate, identifying featured. Complexion, tatoos, piercings. Have the character look in a full body mirror and describe everything he sees, if that makes sense.

Personality: I'm fine with this, any detail you add would be appreciated but not required by me.

History: This is ok in my opinion, but I'd like a little more on after his parent died. How old was he when it happened, who took care of him after that, where does he live now? Also, does he know it was the game that put them into a coma? that would be unlikely as remember your character is one of the many innocent bystanders that never knew that any of the dot hack game stuff actually happened. The common people were mostly spoon fed press from CC Corp and have no idea the game was causing the comas. So at the best he might suspect it was the game but not have any hard proof of it. Other than that this is a nice profile and I cant wait to see the updates.

On a side note: Also, what reason do you have to interact with other characters? from everything i've read here your character plans on ignoring most people/being alone. he dislikes groups, doesn't like newer players or helping out. It might be nice to have a reason to play as otherwise I can't see much of a reason for the character to continue playing [the world].


Ok, so I know it looks like a lot, but its mostly just fleshing out. A few sentences extra on each part and your done. I'm just a really wordy guy and go into waaaay to much depth when explaining why I want some things added or removed. So yeah, its not as much as it looks like. I hope this helps I'll anxiously await your next update of this character.

[XIII]

Hi. You don't really know me at all, because I've actually been away for a few months. CC Corp convinced me to hop on and mod your profile, since I have some free time.

I'm the bitch mod.

This needs way more work.

Well, the short version is that just about everything needs more detail.

Here's the long version:

Online

Clothing Style: I don't care if you have a picture. I don't care if you have a feature length film about him, you need to go into more detail for his clothing style here. From head to toe.

Character Personality: I can understand why he might be a bit distant, my character is a bit of a loner as well. Other than that he's a loner, is there anything else to add? How does he act? Does he dismiss everyone? Yell at them? Go in a corner and write bad poetry while crying and doing DoT to his wrists?
If he has no reason to play with other characters, then why is he playing?

Fighting Style: Well, saying that he uses a defensive style is fine, but which defensive style? A defensive style could be one that has a bigass sheild, or one that dodges a lot. Same for offensive. Is he the sort that will fight honorably? Go straight for the kill as soon as there's an opening?

Strengths: These look pretty good so far but they, like everything else I'm pointing out, need more detail. Saying that they're "good" doesn't give us any frame of reference. When you say good, do you mean you can lift a 40 pound box easily, or a car?

Weaknesses: This, in theory, also seems good, but too much of the weaknesses are dependant on his armour, which he could, in theory, remove if he so chose. Weaknesses should be stat-based, not personality or gear based. Again, some frame of references to show how bad his weaknesses are would be good.

Weapon Appearance: Same as physical appearance. I don't care that you have a picture: Describe it for me. Not just looks, but other things. How heavy is it? Are there any other unique characteristics about it?

Weapon Abilities:

Surrounded by a blue? What's a blue?
If you mean blue flame like I think you did, then you need to describe exactly what the effect of that fire is. Does burning cause damage, or some other status effect? Just how severe is this effect?

Friends: If he has no friends, then who convinced him to play again?

History: Ok, I'm not going to pull any punches, this is not up to par. I can't really see how this would happen. A PKer would probably either outright fight you, or trick you into joining a party, then attacking you. Leading you to a higher level area long enough for you to level up in such a way that they wouldn't ALSO level up doesn't make any sense at all.
Also, why would getting killed convince him to play a game that you probably suspect lead to the death of your parents? Wouldn't it do the opposite?

Offline

Clothing Style: The colours idea is fine, but what KIND of clothes are they? You could be wearing nothing but brightly coloured thongs when you're in a good mood for all we know.

Physical Traits:....Ok. Now how about from the neck down? Are you just a floating head?

Parents: How young are we talking here?

History: Well, this could use a bit more in the in-between parts. You say that his parents died when he was young. What has he done since then? Where has he lived? Who took care of him? One Nitpicky note: There are a couple run-on sentences.

RP Section: Way too short. You've essentially just described nothing happening.